C: "u cant say there was nothing there bcuz there was u felt sumtin so there was sumthin there 4 u & u cant say he doesnt feel nething 4 u bcuz only he knows that"
Me: "True. But it's easier to think there wasnt"
I'm so over it, but then again thats a lie. The truth is I fell for you, well at the very least started to, and how you made me feel. I loved the feeling of your arms around me and falling alseep next to you. I never dated you, but you meant alot to me. You told me there was alot you had to get right in your life before you could even think of having another, that's fine hunny. I get it, but don't ever think you weren't good enough because I fell for you when you felt like you weren't worth shit. You never said those direct words but you implied it. I fell for the guy that was a total sweetheart yet sarcastic asshole and I liked it. I always got the butterflies and you made me feel alive. I kept a secret from my best friend and yeah I finally told her about you. So now if shit hits the fan it's my fault and you can go ahead and "deny deny deny" I really don't care. The scariest thing to me is you said you weren't ready for a relationship, but I'm scared that now that I'm walking away you'll find a new girl and ask her to be your girlfriend. Maybe I shouldn't have said certain things, but at the same time you know everything in that text was true. I guess walking away from you is what I have to do and I'll live. I wanted to break down that wall you built so high, you said you were hesitant but you weren't, hesitant means at a slow pace you will soon go forward. Hunny it's been since Feburary, hesitant would have been gone by now. I don't expect a TV show romance where in three weeks were together and happy it takes time but I'm slowly running out. Your freedom means alot, you're scared, and you can't go through that again- that's fine but one day freedom won't mean as much, you won't be scared and you know you'll be able to open up once again but one day I won't be there and it doesn't hurt you it hurts me. I guess I put a little too much thought into this and I don't think you ever put any into it. I feel so stupid, and you let me run back twice. I'm not going to lie it's my fault for going back but it's also yours for letting me. One thing you never knew is last summer I fell for a guy, and even though we were just best friends I will go as far as saying I feel in love with him and he completely broke my heart. Now here I am a year later and I'm ready to put myself on the front line of this war and tell you how I feel but don't ever forget you said no. Wow I guess I am ready to move on yet as I sit here and typed that sentence I almost erased it because I feel like I'm not. I'm so torn but hey it's life. I'll move on because I'm tired of feeling like I don't mean anything to you. Don't get me wrong I'm seriously gonna miss the random kiss on my shoulder, the way you would tuck my hair behind my ear or move it out of my face, the way you would hug me as you feel asleep, the smile you had when you first wake up, that good morning kiss I adore oh so much. But here is where I say bye, because I can't do this anymore and I feel a sense of strength and a tear at my heart but what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger.
But the truth is you'll never read this anyway.
xoxo
Jodi
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